The Rules of Engagement: You're engaged, now what?

Congratulations on your engagement! This is an exciting time in your life. Here are some steps to consider after getting engaged:

1. **Celebrate**: Take some time to enjoy this special moment with your partner. Have a romantic dinner, go out for a special date, or have a small celebration with close friends and family. Believe me, take this time before all the wedding planning begins, you will be grateful that you did!

2. **Announce Your Engagement**: Share the news with your family and close friends. Consider making personal calls or visits to those who are most important to you. Then, you can share the news with a wider audience through social media if you wish. Remember, your Mom (any other significant figure in your life!) will not want to read this from Facebook before telling her yourself! I know from personal experience! Whew, that took some time to get over!

3. **Set a Date (or a Range)**: You don't need to set an exact date right away, but having a general idea of when you'd like to get married will help in planning other aspects. Some couples, would prefer to be engaged for several years before deciding on a wedding date!  As their friend, family member or anyone else for that matter, the greatest way to support them is to resist the temptation to keep inquiring about if they have chosen a date.  Believe me, they WILL let you know when that day comes!

4. **Discuss the Wedding Vision**: Talk with your partner about the type of wedding you both envision. Do you want a large, formal affair or a small, intimate gathering? Discuss themes, locations, and any cultural or religious aspects that are important to you. It is easy to fall into the traditional roles when it comes to wedding planning; i.e., the bride does all the work and the groom (or whatever your relationship is defined as) just shows up to the ceremony! In today's world, more couples than ever are choosing to make all the plans together, further strengthening their bond through the planning process.

5. **Budgeting**: Begin to outline a budget. This will be a significant factor in determining the scale and style of your wedding. Consider who will be contributing and how much.  This is a critical, yet often overlooked, step when planning your wedding.  These days, the price of nearly everything has gotten more expensive.  Keep this in mind when planning.  Even the most mundane elements can be very pricey! Think decor, flowers, candles and even the fun chalkboard signs that have become very popular can be more expensive than anticipated.  Editing your vision may be necessary given your specific budget.  If needed, enlisting the help of your friends and family may be a great way to cut some of the costs.

6. **Guest List**: Start working on a rough draft of your guest list. This will help you later when you're considering venues.  Make sure that you include everyone you want to share your special day with.  Parents, Grandparents, Aunt/Uncles, Cousins, are all relatively (haha no pun intended) common, but did you consider best friends, co-workers, special neighbors, and all of their +1s!  Also, if one partner may not have a positive connection with a specific person/s, it is best to know this right away before sending out the invites! 

7. **Choose a Venue**: The availability of the venue may influence your wedding date, so start looking early. Consider factors like location, capacity, and whether they have on-site catering.  You may have to book a venue a minimum of a year in advance depending on the popularity! Informal gatherings usually take less planning but should always be secured well in advance.  Always, always have a Plan B and sometimes C, should extraordinary events happen to derail your venue preference! Rain storms, water leaks, power outages, etc. should all be on the back burner of your planning minds!  No one anticipates them but unfortunately, and hopefully rarely, these events occur.  Having a backup plan is a great way to reduce the stress of the unexpected.  Sometimes, just knowing you have the ability to move the party indoors is all it takes to have a backup plan.

8. **Hire a Wedding Planner (Optional)**: If you find the planning process overwhelming, a wedding planner can help you with logistics, budgeting, and finding vendors.  Finding a good wedding planner will be a valuable asset, especially with a larger wedding with many different vendors.  A smaller wedding venue with less vendors, or none, can also benefit from the skills of a wedding planner.  In turn, this helps to eleviate stress during the planning phase no matter the size of your wedding and/or venue.  Sometimes, a day of coordinator can be added or used in place of a wedding planner depending on your unique ceremony vision.  The day of coordinator helps keep things running smoothly, maintains the schedule and coordinates with the vendors.  The coordinator can also facilitate any last minute changes that may arise, leaving the couple to enjoy the day and minimize the stress level.

9. **Select Vendors**: These might include a photographer, caterer, florist, DJ or band, and officiant. Research and meet with potential vendors to see if they align with your vision. This is a critical step that should never be overlooked.  Relying on other people's referrals can prove to be disastrous.  The couple should always consult with multiple vendors (which is easier than ever with the popularity of Zoom and other online meeting spots) before deciding which will be best for your vision and personality!  Can you imagine using a caterer a friend referred you to without even meeting them? If you are having a large, black tie ceremony and the catering company shows up in shorts and t-shirts, this would have a negative impact on the presentation. Similiarly, if you hire a DJ that is a friend of your second cousin, without having a conversation about the style of music you are envisioning; i.e, a reggae style band shows up to your black tie, 500+ guest formal wedding reception when your vision is of a string quartet, you may very well be unhappy with the choice. Likewise, if you were to just "go with" an officiant without having met them, engaged in multiple conversations prior to the wedding, you will end up with a wedding script that is not personalized for you and your unique relationship as a couple! The officiant's personality could be very somber and serious, while the couple is themselves outgoing and fun-loving (or vice versa) making for a personality conflict that would be evident during the ceremony. If you don't feel comfortable with any of the prospective vendors, trust me, there are many, many other options available that will feel like a perfect fit!  Don't be afraid to let the vendor know they aren't a good fit for you, chances are they will understand and encourage you to shop around.  If they don't, they probably aren't a good choice.  Remember, it's YOUR day, not theirs.

10. **Consider Legal Requirements**: Depending on where you live, there might be specific requirements for obtaining a marriage license. Research this early on.  The officiant is often the one that provides this information for the couple.  Online research is vital to ensure that everyone knows what is expected in their state, city, county, etc.  Not all municipalities will have the same requirements in every state.  Fortunately, this information is easy to locate from multiple sources; the City Clerk's Office being the most reliable for your particular situation.

11. **Create a Wedding Website (Optional)**: This is a great way to share details about your wedding with guests, like date, location, and registry information.  Nowadays, a wedding website has become the customary way a couple can communicate with family, friends, etc. what their vision is, what the ceremony will be like, the dress code, and of course, the wedding registry!  All of these things are now conveniently located right in your personalized wedding website from multiple vendors such as The Knot, WeddingWire, Wedding Realm, Zola, etc.  They are designed to be super easy and simple to use!

12. **Choose Attire**: Start thinking about what you and your partner will wear. This includes wedding dresses, suits, accessories, and bridesmaid/groomsmen attire.  This always varies from couple to couple, venue to venue, etc.  It is best for the couple to clearly define what they are expecting attendees to wear.  Noone wants to be the one that is over or under dressed for the occasion! Defining this for your guests is appreciated by everyone.  Sometimes "casual" means one thing to some and another thing to others! I have suggested using a vision board that can be shared with your guests via your wedding website or other means. Clearly defining and often giving examples can be very helpful for those that are unsure what to wear!

13. **Plan the Honeymoon (Optional)**: If you're planning to go on a honeymoon right after the wedding, start researching destinations and making arrangements. This can be a large undertaking and should be given a lot of thought and preparation.  Doing research with multiple vendors is essential.  Hiring a travel agent and/or travel advisor can be very helpful since they have the knowledge and connections that you may not have access to.  While it's true, there is often a commission involved, the expertise and ease of booking destination weddings and/or honeymoon travel makes the added commission worthwhile.  There are some travel agents/advisors that even waive/or reduce their commission fees in some circumstances. 

14. **Registry**: Create a wedding registry if you'd like to receive gifts. This can be done online or at physical stores.  I cannot stress this enough!! Take the guesswork out of this!! Attendees WANT to give you a gift, but oftentimes haven't a clue where to start, especially when the couple may have been together for a while, are combining households, etc.  Giving your guests choices for what gifts you would like to receive, helps to alleviate the doubt!

15. **Send Save-the-Dates**: Once you have a date and venue confirmed, send out save-the-dates to give your guests ample notice.  If at all possible, this is an absolute must!  Everyone is so busy these days that a last minute invite, especially for a destination wedding, would prevent them from being able to celebrate this special day with you! Rule of thumb is a minimum of 6 months before the wedding date.  For destination weddings, 8-12 months is better to allow them to plan their schedule to be able to attend and not just send a gift in their place. Also, if using a local venue, 4 to 6 months is customary. Typically, mailing your save the dates is ideal.  With the popularity of sending them via email, make sure they don't get sent to the spam folder! A follow up email is a good idea to ensure they have been received.

Remember, this is a general guide and not all steps may apply to your situation. It's important to customize the planning process based on your preferences, cultural or religious traditions, and any unique circumstances you may have. Additionally, remember to communicate openly with your partner throughout the planning process. Happy planning!

*AI was used in preparing this blog!